Gotta Hit 'em All!

Allow me to step outside my normal cycling bubble of self-centered obsession over average speed and wattage to address an issue that seems to be creeping up in occurrence, and that is one in which the general death machine operating public inadvertently has started playing its own version of Pokemon Go, only with cyclists.

Lately, from social media, to news outlets, we’re getting more and more reports of drivers acting in ways, where the only logical conclusion is that their brains have short circuited from cell phone over stimulation, and they’ve decided they’ve ‘gotta catch them all,’ but not with the traditional digital creatures. No, that would be too easy and obvious. They need a more suitable target for the Pokemon catching obsession, and that would be something that actually moves, thinks, possibly wears lycra, and puts all sorts of beautiful little lights on their favored mode of transportation: the New Orleans Cyclist.

And we're much easier to catch. I’ve tried Pokemon go, and I swear I’m too spastic to swipe a little digital ball up a tiny phone screen, at some little dancing imp, in order to secure them in my trap. I throw my balls all over the place (I know how that sounds) in hopes of catching the sprite, and I miss, and I run out of balls, and that FUCKING LITTLE CREATURE MOCKS ME THE ENTIRE TIME!

In comparison, we bike at set speeds, mostly stay in straight lines, and because we're keeping our eyes on the road, WILL NEVER SEE YOUR AMBUSH COMING!

Nope, there’s obviously an easier, and more rewarding game of Pokemon Go going on here, and it doesn't involve little cute monsters with unreadable names. It involves a city full or cyclists that are just as varied in appearance and challenge!

Because why try swiping a stupid ball, when you can just do this:

See, as a cyclist, this is how it feels on the roads of New Orleans at times. You learn to keep your head on a swivel, because you never know when someone decides to take five minutes off from being a responsible motorist, so they can snap chat a duck face, generously apply mascara, swipe left on Tinder, check to see if their dick pics got any upvotes on Reddit, or whatever other distraction that has no business being in a car, has addled their brain to the point that they MUST ABSOLUTELY DO THIS TASK RIGHT NOW, INSTEAD OF SAFELY OPERATING THE FIVE TON DEATH MACHINE.

Remember, Peggy Peddler, you’re competing for attention with ALL of those wonderful things, and you're most likely going to lose that battle!

It’s sickening, even more so when you read about the hit and run murder of a New Orleans man just trying to get home from work a few nights back, whom, from all accounts, was wearing a helmet, and had illumination on his bike. You also read that the car identified in the accident was stolen, which opens up yet another whole can of worms about the problems this city faces.

It breaks my heart that this guy was just trying to get home. He was probably exhausted, tired, whatever, and was obeying the rules of the road, when some asshole came and took everything beautiful away from him. It’s fucking disgusting.

But unfortunately, it doesn't stop there.

You could also wonder about the woman who decided to catch them all last week, to the tune of rolling over a handful of tourists taking a cycling tour of the city. Welcome to New Orleans, mother fuckers. Allow me to roll right over your shit, because once again, I can’t be bothered to pay attention to human life over some bullshit app on my phone. Too bad for you. Hope you come back. Or don’t.

And yet, it keeps going...

What about the small clips, the brush by, the nudges, dirty looks, screaming rants, and an assortment of various other awful behaviors people display against cyclists? Some are violent and large enough to get reported. Some are 'small' in the eyes of the perpetrator, or the law, and are pushed aside as minor inconveniences. Nothing to see here, folks.

What about the complete picture?

This city has a problem, and it definitely starts with education, enforcement, advocacy, and adherence. Slapping bike lanes on roads and promising to get a bike share before the sun burns out isn’t going to amount to shit if the majority of the city still thinks it’s open season on cyclists. There is a pervasive ignorance in this city surrounding cycling laws, and the designed intent of road sharing programs, and it’s only going to be the empowerment of the correct knowledge, either through any of the means listed above, that transforms the landscape of this city from Thunderdome to something slightly less threatening than Thunderdome.

Don’t cheer and high five just yet, because we’re not completely without blame. If we’re to expect the mouth breathers, who think Duck Dynasty is the greatest show on TV since the Bible Family Hour of 1963, to turn over a new leaf and comply with the rules of the road, then we, as cyclists, also have to do our part. No riding against traffic. No erratic swerving. Lights. Obeying traffic signals.

We have to be better as well. We have to set the example, because this is where turning the other cheek is the best solution. Screaming at all the ignorant folk isn’t going to banish forever their grave ignorance, it’s just simply going to reinforce what they’ve thought all along: that we’re a bunch of self-obsessed, entitled, obnoxious assholes who obviously belong on the fucking sidewalk.

So, let’s all make better efforts on our end as well. Let’s educate. Let’s lead by example. Let’s inform Boudreaux that the road cyclist on the Cervelo with the matching jersey and shorts isn’t the rarest Pokemon out there worth catching.

AND FOR GOD’S SAKE, WOULD SOMEONE TELL THAT GIRL ON THE BOUTIQUE FIXIE, WITH WIND IN HER OBNOXIOUSLY LONG HAIR, AN IPHONE IN HER HAND (fuck IPhones), POWERED BY MAGICAL UNICORN FARTS, EMPOWERED BY AN ARMOR OF SELF ENTITLEMENT, AND SWERVING UP THE WRONG SIDE OF MAGAZINE STREET WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCKING LAWS ARE!

Please?

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