I want to be old, so I can kill people.

I want to give the six people who read this blog something to look forward to when they get old. This is a very important and pertinent gift, because it illustrates the power of growing old, and the godlike control you'll have over life and death in relation to those upstart, foolish, younger idiots that will plague your life with their endless screams of 'stop driving in the left lane' and 'you'll love this assisted living facility I've picked out for you.'

You see, I'm giving you the gift of murder, but the one catch is you can only kill cyclists, because obviously, as you've noticed in the numerous roads across America, we rank right below possums in 'things you feel slightly bad about running over while operating a motor vehicle.'

We might even rank below vultures.

So, I've learned of this super power the elderly now possess through this article:

Old Person Uses Cyclist For Speedbump; Doesn't Go to Jail.

In case you don't feel like clicking, to summarize, an 88 year old man hit a cyclist, left the scene, the cyclist died, and he's not getting any jail time for it. The driver, not the cyclist. I'm sure had the cyclist survived, they would've found a way to cite him for 'improper imitation of a road obstruction.'

The kicker in all this is the DA said this entire case wouldn't be an issue if the driver hadn't fled the scene. I'm just going to let that thought sit there. No joke attached.

If the driver didn't flee the scene, nothing would have happened. Okay, that's false. Something would've happened. I can imagine the driver and the cops standing around high five'ing each other and taking selfies with their trophy kill. Put him on your car and drive him back to your house. He'll look good over the fireplace.

There's plenty of arguments to be had about this issue, both for and against harsher punishment. I would say 'discussions' but let's face it, no one discusses anything anymore. Facebook has taught us that the only way to debate differing opinions is through screaming and ALL CAPS. And then unfriending and blocking. Because that's what responsible and reasonable adults do.

But forget all that! That's neither here nor there! I'M GIVING YOU A GIFT (see how I used all caps?)

GET OLD! KILL PEOPLE! WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT? YOU'VE JUST BEEN GIVING A FREE PASS!

See, I can imagine there's been a few different reactions when reading this article or hearing about the incident.

The first, from cyclists:


via GIPHY

The second from the general populace:


via GIPHY

And finally, from the elderly:


via GIPHY

Okay.

I know I'm coming off as extremely callous and insensitive about a pretty serious issue, but that's exactly how I imagine the general public reacting in relation to cycling issues.

We're the weird people taking up the roads with out tight clothing, and our snooty bikes, and our lighted wheels and our generally happy attitude. Who do we think we are? Just let them hit us and shut up.

Advocacy is an important issue, and it's improving slowly in its ability to inform and educate regarding proper etiquette in regards to peacefully co-existing between those who pedal, and those who don't. There's quite a few groups making wonderful strides in changing the prevailing attitudes, and modifying the social dynamic that isn't always positive when it comes to cars and bicycles.

Ultimately, the whole point is that one day, when you're old, eating dinner at 330, going to bed at 5. and fighting the urge to proclaim Lawrence Welk as the greatest musician ever, you might hit that cyclist. You will be arrested, tried, and face sufficient punishment should you be found at fault. You will remember that it was me who gave you the green light to play bicycle pinball and you'll look to the heavens and curse my name.

Because I want you think that I was wrong. That it isn't okay to be so inattentive while operating something so dangerous, and in the process, killing someone through that negligence.

Old, or young. We need to be more considerate of everyone on the road, and maybe a little less selfish, not just in driving, but in life in general.


Everyone, except me. Screw you, guys. When I get old, I'm turning every street into a scene from Mad Max.

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