Hydration, Thanksgiving, and Bike Farts.

A few things this time around:

One: It’s getting cold, folks, so, remember to hydrate while you’re out there pedaling about. Keep the engine fueled. You might think you’re not sweating, and you feel absolutely fine, but your body is still doing it’s expel moisture to cool you thing, so make sure it doesn’t freak out when it realizes nature’s lubricant tank is all empty.

You can use this:

Look at how happy and hydrated they are!

or this:

Who's a good boy?

Personally, that’s your choice, just remember that each has side effects. One leads to this:

And the other leads to this:



But either way, make sure you’re drinking. It should be more of the former, but who am I to preach? I really love beer (PBR doesn't count, hipsters). Like San Francisco was built on rock n roll, this city was built on alcoholic beverages. I truly believe that one day, when the city has stopped sinking, we will go far below the water table, and what will rise will be that funky liquid they make Hand Grenades (the drink, not the weapon) from.

Just remember, President Camacho was right when he endorsed Brawndo. Like plants, you crave this shit.

Also, this week is Thanksgiving. In honor of this wonderful holiday, I thought I’d comprise a Top Ten of things cyclists are thankful for:

1. Their bikes
2. Their Bikes
3. Still their bikes
4. Bikes. No mention of family yet
5. Family? Nope. The basket or carrying utensil they utilize on their bike
6. Lights for their bikes
7. Bike shorts
8. Did I mention bikes?
9. Cup holders for their bikes
10. Things that are not their bikes (family finally included).

Just remember: what you eat on Thursday, you’re going to pay for on Saturday.

Finally, the main crux of this post.

Let’s talk about a curious occurrence I’m sure all of you have been afflicted with at some point, or if you’re like me, every time you get on the bike. I’m sure you’ve all suffered, or enjoyed through all the moments when you have a sudden, and usually noisy bout of this delightfully awkward social interaction:

The Bike Fart.

I get them. I get them often. In fact, I’m pretty sure it’s a guarantee that during any ride I engage in, I will add to the environment my own intestine cooked and prepared with love contribution to noise and air pollution. If you’re ever near me in a ride, I suggest two things:

1. Don't draft me, bro. Despite the fact I'm the human equivalent of a brick wall.
2.   If you do decide to ride near me, prepare yourself for the haunting yet swingy tunes such as the old favorites, ‘I had Taco Bell last night,’ or the brand new top ten Billboard hit, ‘Kale stinks as horrible as it tastes.’

But first, let’s answer the age old question, just so we both have a shared point of reference, what is a fart?

"That's what I think of your bible!"

According to the most trusted, completely accurate news source on the planet, Wikipedia describes a fart as:

"flatus expelled through the anus, or the quality or state of being flatulent, which is defined in turn as "marked by" or affected with gases generated in the intestine or stomach, likely to cause digestive flatulence."

First off, I don’t know what a ‘flatus’ is, except I think I ate it last week at my favorite Mexican restaurant. It was tasty, but had I known it was contributing to me bicycle flatulence, I might have chosen the quesadilla instead.

Luckily, I read the next sentence, and it explained it for me.

       

         "The root of these words is from the Latin flatus - "a blowing, a breaking wind."

Keep that in mind the next time you’re choosing items off the menu at a Greek restaurant.

Anyway, back to my farts. Mostly, they don’t smell, but then again, how would I know? Maybe you should survey the people trapped behind my explosive butt. I’m sure they might see me as some foul smelling Krampus come to ruin their bicycling Christmas.

I told you not to get behind me.

I’ve also wondered if there’s actually any benefit to this phenomenon (besides keeping wheel suckers off my six) so once again, I consulted the magic google box, and while there really isn’t much information on the positive links between farting and recreational cycling, I did find this (created by NASA, no less):

Knowing is half the battle.

There you have it, folks.

So no, I don’t know why we bike fart. If it’s the result of some pressure war going on between my comfy saddle, my butt, and my small intestine, or because I ate way too many beefy 5 layer burritos the night before? I don’t know, but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with not knowing. Sometimes, not knowing is a good thing.

I’m sure there’s a life lesson somewhere in that.

Most of you now think this blog has completely gone south, and it’ll be interesting to see how many people read the next post after suffering through a chat about farts, but let me be honest, I think I’m building a bridge here. I think there are more of you out there, who suffer from this affliction, and might be embarrassed to admit your dealings with it, like some are afraid to admit their affections for Justin Beiber, wearing socks with crocs, or trusting in Jessica Simpson's knowledge of canned tuna.

Don’t be embarrassed! Proclaim the virtues of your butt trumpets! Embrace the fact that there’s probably a reason why you fart when you bike, and that reason is infinitely better than the person who’s just sitting on their couch and farting. You’re out there doing, being active! They’re just sitting, and being passive. Passive farting. Be proud of those bike farts. It means you’re doing something! You’re improving yourself!

That’s right. I just turned this into a motivational moment based on flatulence. See what I did there?

Anyway, enjoy the holidays. Eat well. Hug someone you love. Hug someone you don’t. Be thankful. Ride your bike. Ride off the pounds. I’m thankful for everyone who has stopped by this blog and read these posts, and I’m thankful for all of you who made it to the end of this one.

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